Today as I woke I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time. This new felling felt familiar to me at the same time. The feeling that I can move through the world day after day. Speaking every word I know, doing every great thing I am capable, and touching every person in the most positive. But still be unknown, and unrecognized. Like a ghost. After all I have done I could so easily dissapear without a trace. And be nothing more than a breeze in the wind. Foods don’t have the same taste. The world seems so dull and melancholic. My passion leaves me with every thought. It is like my soul is oppressed by my own mind. I hope to one day put this feeling as a distant childhood memory that only arises when a seeker of advice mentions the symptoms. Hope is a word I should no longer use. It implies a long shot, or a slim possibility. I know one day I will put this feeling into the distant abyss of my mind. Stored deeply in a file cabinet of longterm memory that collects dust until I have to revisit the file to look up the details of the case for academia purposes.
In order to get this feeling to be stored in distant memory I have to first confront it and understand why I feel this way. Why I have phases when I feel like a neglected child that wasn’t hugged enough by his parents. Was that in fact the case? Do I still hold on to past pains of losing my father at such a young age and my mother leaving me to fend for my own through my high school years when she was attempting to find her own happiness with her new husband at the time?
These are obvious possibilities but what does recognizing he source do if I cannot also recognize what pains those experiences have left me holding on to. What agreements did I make with myself as a result of those experience that are not valid and causing me to think in errant ways about my experience in this world?
It made me feel like a drifter in this world. The feeling that my parents could let me go so easily, my father for another plane of existence, and my mother for her husband than why would anyone else notice I was gone. But that is not the case. My father gave his life to protect me. I am sure if he could have chose a path that would allow him to be here with me today he would have. But he did what he felt was best for me and my mother. He died a heroes death. My mother was just trying to find happiness that had alluded her for years. She thought she was doing what was best for me by making me self sufficient and independent because those were the skills that helped her excel in this world. She didn’t realize that at such a fragile moment in my life all I wanted was the love of my mother. When most kids were pushing their mother away. I just wanted to hold her close. And now my mom does all she can to make up for lost time. I am her greatest pride in this world. Despite my critiques on some of her actions in my upbringing I can nver deny that the end result is something I can never complain about. My mother created an amazing man destined for greatness.
SO quickly by analyzing the false agreements and putting things into an accurate perspective and able to transform my thinking from strong sense of drifting and pain to a positive outlook on what the truth of the situation really is. I will one day soon be able to organize the path that allowed me to be able to have this skill. The thought that changed the world.